Why not me?

I had planned on writing something fun for my next post, but I find myself with a heavy heart. Since writing is a therapeutic outlet for me, I'm going to unload a bit here. Bare with me, though, because I think - I hope - you will ultimately find this post inspirational, even if it starts in a place of sadness.

I recently learned that a friend of mine was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, which is a cancer of plasma cells. Although we aren't particularly close, she is by all accounts a kind, generous, God-fearing and God-seeking woman. She is slightly older than me (mid-40's), with three children of her own. I don't know much about the specifics of her diagnosis, but I do know that she is facing a tough road ahead. She isn't the first person I've known to face life-threatening illness, but for some reason her situation is sticking with me. Maybe it is because she is the walking embodiment of someone who would normally be considered low-risk for this type of cancer. Or maybe its because she exhibits the type of faith I strive for. I'm not really sure why I feel burdened by her situation, but I keep finding myself asking 'Why her?'

Of course, underlying 'Why her?' is the real question: 'Why not me?'. Although I have never really struggled with survivor's guilt, I find myself asking this question a lot these days. More than ever before, it seems like so many people around me have been thrown into life-altering adversity. Some of my awareness is organic: Eventually, hardship will either directly or indirectly impact those who are privileged enough to celebrate new birthdays. On the other hand, some of it is inorganic: Social media has widened our social circles of friends and acquaintances to a degree that we are multiplicatively exposed to the ups and downs others experience at a rate like never before. Sometimes it seems like no matter which direction I turn, someone is suffering.

So again I wonder: Why not me? Now, don't get me wrong - I have had my share of hardship in the past. But at this moment in time I consider myself imminently blessed to have my own health, a healthy spouse, 3 healthy children, and both my parents and in-laws still living. So why do are we so fortunate when others seem to have bodies that are betraying them? Well, the truth is that I have no idea. But here is what I do know: God has a divine plan for all of us and when the why gets LOUD, my response should be to trust Him. The Bible has many strong verses about trust, but one of my favorite comes in Philippians 4:6. It reads: "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done." I absolutely love this verse because it gives two keys to ultimate peace. First and foremost, when uncertainty arises, pray. Second, give thanks. Why is this such sage advice? Because no matter the circumstances, prayer and thankfulness combined do amazing things for the heart and mind. Every. Single. Time.

My therapist often tells me that life is seasonal and filled with ups and downs, good times and bad times. Right now, although my life is chaotic, it is also really good. Sometimes I feel guilty about that when others seem to be suffering, but she also reminds me that it is OK to enjoy the good times while they last because inevitably they, too, are temporary. That doesn't mean I will stop feeling a heaviness and sorrow for others who are hurting, but it does mean that I will allow myself to be happy and content in my own circumstances. So, for now, when I wonder 'Why not me', I will refocus on believing that God's plan is perfect and He has me exactly where He wants me. I will continue to practice a spirit of thankfulness to the best of my ability. Most importantly, I will continue to build my trust in Him so that in those moments when my joy turns to sadness, I have prepared a strong foundation from which to push forward.